I was working on a post and wanted to quote Cancerbaby’s astounding post about Static, which I think is one of the best summaries of what it feels like to be an atheist I’ve ever read. (As some of you know, her blog “Cancer, Baby” is a chronicle of her struggles with infertility and desire to start a family. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer shortly after trying to conceive her first child.)
Here is the quote from her post about static that I was looking for:
Nevertheless, I would imagine that what ultimately drove [Elliot Smith] to kill himself was that strangely simultaneous discordance and inertia, that static, that encroaches on and threatens the meaning that we, all of us, are pulling and prying from the jaws of our joy and our sadness. Beyond that possible insight, there is little left to say.
And so, despite all the sense I’ve tried to make of my life over the last two years — and despite all the sense that Elliott Smith fans have tried to make of his death over the last two years — this requiem can’t and won’t create meaning. Perhaps its only merit is that it was written at all. Because sometimes, there’s no meaning to be made about the subject of cancer and disease, or the subject of depression and suicide, or the subject of dying young. Sometimes, the static is all that there is.
She’s an amazing writer, so I spent some time surfing through her archives and came across this crushingly beautiful homage to her husband. Click through and read the whole thing. It’s one of the best blog entries I’ve ever read.
Then I clicked to the current posts to see what’s new, see if there was any news on the adoption front. I am surprised by how much it affected me to read that she died a couple weeks ago, two days before Mother’s Day. The last post, written by a friend, simply states, “My phone just rang. It was cancerbaby’s husband. ‘I guess you know why I’m calling, ‘ he said. She died this morning. She was thirty-three. Her name was Jessica.”
Please pray for Jessica and for her husband.
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