[This is an update to a post I deleted. To summarize what I said in the deleted post, I was really upset because in a 48 hour period I found out that I couldn’t give birth at the midwife-staffed birthing center; will have to have an induced labor at the hospital; probably can’t have an epidural; baby will be delivered by an OB who I didn’t choose and just met; have to give myself shots of blood thinner every day; won’t get much money back from the birthing center; and got the official word from my insurance company that they’re not going to pay a dime of the maternity costs, not even the checkups with the new OB.]
I’m feeling better now. One of the things that helped was taking some good advice and making a clear list of things that are in my control and things that are not, and only focusing my energy on that which I can control. (I actually did a spreadsheet with the columns “IN MY CONTROL / MIGHT BE IN MY CONTROL / NOT IN MY CONTROL”). I made peace as best I could with the things that aren’t in my control (e.g. the money, for now, and the fact that I have to go to the hospital) and put my energy into those things that I might be able to have some sort of say in (e.g. the epidural/pain relief issue, what procedures are done to the baby after birth, etc.)
I’d also like to note that I was always incredibly grateful for my health and my baby’s health, I just didn’t mention it in that post because I was focusing on all the crazy changes going on. It’s hard to have both your birth plan and your finances do a 180-degree change in such a short time when you’re 36 weeks pregnant. (I’ve actually been saying a little prayer through gritted teeth when I stand up and the horrible pain starts, thanking God for the pain since many DVTs have no symptoms and are therefore very dangerous.)
So the newest update, which ties into subjects more appropriate to this site, is that Dr. OB is not sure that I’ll be able to breastfeed because of the medicines I’ll need to be on. Even if I can he said I’ll almost definitely have to wean early. I know not everyone would think this is a big deal and, again, I am very grateful for my health and the baby’s health, but I am going to be very upset if I can’t breastfeed. It’s a big deal to me. Obviously the biggie is how important I think it is for the baby’s wellbeing, but I’ll skip that part since you’ve probably heard it before.
What’s interesting about it, in terms of the things we talk about on this site, is that this comes right after I brazenly announced my embrace of NFP. I have to kind of smirk and wonder if this is not some sort of test of my “easy to say when you’re healthy and already pregnant and planning to breastfeed” statement that I’m all about NFP even though I’m not yet Catholic. (For those of you who don’t know, exclusive breastfeeding is a way to naturally space children since it greatly reduces your fertility for a few months). It probably goes without saying that I would not be prepared emotionally, medically or financially to be pregnant again just a couple months after this baby’s birth.
The well-wishers who’ve been calling to check in on the situation usually pause after they get the scoop on the health stuff and gently ask, “So, you guys are done after this one, right?” Or, for those who know we want to have more kids, “You guys are going to wait a long time before the next one, right?” People are not sure what to say when I don’t have a yes or no answer to that.
So, it’ll be interesting to see how that all pans out. I’m not going to put too much thought into it until I know exactly what the treatment plan is for after the birth, and I probably won’t know that until late next week. But it’s an interesting philosophical issue to ponder, and it’s definitely made me think about the Church’s teaching on contraception more.
Although it really comes down to a pretty simple concept: either you think the Catholic Church is correct on all matters of doctrine or you don’t. I am almost at the point that I can say that I do. And even with my fast-dwindling doubts, following Church teaching and trusting in its 2, 000 year old wisdom hasn’t let me down yet; in fact, it’s been the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
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