IMPORTANT NOTE: If you couldn’t care less about the topic of diet and weight loss, you really want to avoid this post. Close your browser immediately at the risk of trauma from severe boredom. Perhaps you could use your time more wisely to go read about something interesting, like Darwin’s discussion of evolution and Catholic teaching or coverage of an important topic such as how to fold a chip bag without a clip.
I’m going on a three-week diet, starting today. Why am I telling you this?
In case there are some fellow armchair nutritionists out there who might find that interesting. In the likely event that nobody falls into that category, I’m also putting this into a post so that I can quickly link back to it as needed (for example: “I know this is my twelfth post this week where I analogized faith to garlic bread, steaming bowls of fettuccini alfredo and/or nachos, but it’s because of the diet.”) I think it’ll really streamline my posts.
I pretty much know how it’s going to go, because it’s something of a routine by now. It seems that I have some mild form of insulin resistance and therefore have a hard time losing weight until I give my poor pancreas a rest by laying off foods that increase the insulin response such as pasta, breads, sweets, alcohol — in other words, EVERYTHING THAT MAKES LIFE WORTH LIVING. Kidding about that last part. (Sort of.) Anyway, when I do this I lose a bunch of weight and even keep it off after returning to normal moderate eating habits…until I get pregnant and lose all self-control and gain a bunch of weight again. Here’s a chart (click to enlarge at your own risk):
This phase ain’t pretty.
Every time I do this diet, I exhibit the withdrawal symptoms that you would expect to see when one is trying to simultaneously kick addictions to heroine and crack cocaine. (Note that I am not claiming that I actually experience such serious withdrawal, just that I excel at boldly exhibiting its symptoms). My natural inclination when I go to restaurants is to ask the waiter to bring me the wine list and a bowl of some substance not found in nature, preferably deep fried, with a side of ranch (I’m borrowing from the wit of Heather Armstrong there). Foregoing simple carbs has been known to make me question my own existence. And yet, here I am, facing three weeks without them.
In case anyone is wondering about the details (maybe one of the two of you who are still reading), I’m doing a highly refined diet plan called Jen’s version of the No-S Diet with some elements of South Beach and some spiritual components that I make up off the top of my head based on what I would imagine Light Weigh would be like if I had the time and money to do it. Catchy, I know.
Anyway, all this is to say: if I am completely incoherent for the next three weeks, this is why. Wish me luck*.
* I would ask for prayers but I don’t want to use anyone’s valuable prayer time for such a silliness. If, however, you are finished praying for the intentions of everyone you know, for all our world leaders, for people suffering from every type of illness, for the poor, and for world peace, then please keep this little endeavor of mine in your prayers.