I’ll probably be on a plane when you read this. Therefore, you can safely picture me hunkered down in a seat, my knees in my chin since airline seat designers evidently hate tall people, silently repeating to myself that I am never, ever flying again. It should be especially miserable since I will be able to avail myself of only one of my trinity of flight survival tools (the Rosary, large quantities of wine, and access to Twitter). Also, since I’ll have two of the kids with me (Joe and the others will be on a different flight), I’ll have to pretend like I’m not having a claustrophobia-induced panic attack. Not sure how I’ll pull that one off. Maybe I’ll tell the girls that the airlines ask all passengers to breathe in and out rapidly while staring out the window and holding on to the seat handle while muttering incoherent phrases about “never doing this again.”
We decided to leave our 18-month-old with the grandmothers, since the trip would probably be hard on her and she wouldn’t get much out of it. I’m not entirely sure that she’s even going to notice that we’re gone. Since both of the grandmothers live only a few blocks away from us she’s at their houses almost every day, and only returns home under extreme coercion. She usually plays out front at Yaya’s, and when she sees my car drive up she turns and runs screaming back toward Yaya’s house like it’s the Bogey Man in his Evilmobile coming to to abduct her. The other day she went to visit my mom, and after my mom took her we were standing in the doorway chatting. The baby kept pointedly saying, “BYE-BYE!” to me, and when I didn’t get the hint, she reached out and tried to shut the door in my face. So…not worried about her being too sad that we’re gone.
Okay, camping in the PNW in JULY is kind of awesome.
But November? That’s just a recipe for disaster, pneumonia, trench rot, and three kinds of fungus in places you don’t want to think about.
And if you go across the Cascades to the dry side, you’ll just die of frostbite. November is WINTER. We don’t live outside in WINTER for anything less than apocalyptic reasons.
There is a lot to this comment, and I think I even caught something about there being a time of year when camping up there might be just lovely, but all I heard was “FUNGUS IN PLACES YOU DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT.” What?? What could this possibly refer to? Which places? How does one contract this? My imagination immediately lit up with all sorts of possibilities. I thought about Googling it, but then realized that I didn’t want a variety of Can you get fungus in your _____? searches saved in my browser. Anyway, long story short, I’m back to thinking that I’m never camping anywhere.
Yaya has casually announced that the baby SHALL be potty trained by the time we return (to review, the child is 18 months old). She thinks it’s far past time we got on top of this, and says that it’ll be a cinch to get this taken care of. I’ve told you before that potty training is something of a second religion for Yaya. I’m more of a fan of waiting until the last possible minute before it starts getting weird that my kids are still wearing diapers, but that’s mainly because I can’t deal with potty chairs; I wait until they’re old enough to use the toilet.
The closest I have ever come to actually passing out were moments that involved potty chairs: once was when Yaya had set our two-year-old about the task of emptying the potty bowl herself, and every wobbly step she took with the filled plastic container made my blood pressure drop a little lower. Another incident — and I mean I seriously almost passed out — was when I saw one of our toddlers reach into a potty chair and eat a piece of chocolate that had fallen into it. It turned out that it was a brand new chair, so there was actually no sanitation concern, but the ten seconds in which I did not know that and did not know the identity of the substance that was in the bowl almost killed me.
Were you wondering why I haven’t mentioned the reality show lately? Did you think that perhaps the producer got back to New York, looked at the footage, and decided that we should just never speak of this again to preserve the dignity of all involved? Amazingly enough, it’s all turning out really well, and both the production team and I are mildly thrilled with the way it’s looking. I even have air times and other details ready to announce! More on that in a few days.
I am so glad I got my Google Nexus. It was a bit of a stretch financially (and was, obviously, a pre-Lovenox purchase), but I feel like I’ve already gotten my money’s worth from it. The main difference it’s made is that I’m actually reading blogs again! For months I hardly ever read my favorite sites; all the time I had in front of my computer was spent hitting writing deadlines, and it’s not pleasant to read a lot of text on my phone. Now that I have Google Reader all set up on my Nexus, which is about the size of a paperback book, I can kick back and catch up my favorite reads when I have downtime that doesn’t involve being at my desk. Throw in the Instapaper app and browser plugin and I feel like I am a hermit who has finally emerged from her cave to behold the strange new outside world.
In honor of my feelings about air travel, I present to you the trailer from the cinema classic, Airplane: