For a friend who has been tired lately. Based on much personal experience.
1. List the five objects nearest to you in five seconds. How many did you refer to as “the thing”?
A. None! I named each item quickly and accurately.
B. 1 – 2
C. 3 – 4
D. I stared at the wall and drooled on myself instead of undertaking this challenge.
2. When you look at your to-do list, how does it make you feel?
A. I think of how great it will be to accomplish all these wonderful things!
B. A little overwhelming, but I’m up for it.
C. It might be time to roll over and die.
D. I ate my to-do list. I thought it was a cracker.
3. Go scan the headlines at your favorite news site. What is your impression of the state of the world?
A. There is both good and bad in the world, but I choose to focus on the good!
B. It’s depressing to see all the bad news, but important to remember that the news outlets focus on the negative.
C. My impression is that there are approximately five people left in the world who are not horrible human beings.
D. Everything is terrible and there is no hope for anyone.
4. Here’s a quick math problem for you: 16 – 9 = ___. How long did it take you to calculate the answer?
A. Less than a second.
B. I had to think about it, but I solved it pretty quickly.
C. Eight seconds. And I got it wrong.
D. What is math?
5. When you speak, how often do you lose your train of thought?
B. Occasionally, but only if discussing something complicated.
C. In the last conversation I had, I lost my train of thought seven times. We were talking about cheese.
D. What was the question again?
6. If you have had an altercation with others today, what was it about?
A. I’ve gotten along with everyone beautifully!
B. They did something serious that crossed a boundary.
C. When they said “good morning, ” I could tell by their tone of voice that they hated me.
D. They were breathing near me.
7. If you made your next cup of coffee and someone asked if they could have it, how would you respond?
A. I’d ask how much cream and sugar they’d like in it.
B. I’d offer to make another cup for them, after I finished mine.
C. I’d slam it like a shot and say, “TOO LATE, SUCKA!”
D. I’d pick them up with one hand and throw them through a wall.
8. If someone offered to take care of everything so that you could get a one-hour nap, what kind of compensation would be willing to give?
A. I don’t need a nap, thanks!
B. If I had a $10 bill in my wallet, I’d probably hand it over.
C. They could have my car.
D. I would threaten to stab them if they didn’t let me go get a nap immediately and worry about the compensation later.
9. How strong are your cravings for junk food?
A. Not strong at all! I choose to eat only healthful foods.
B. If a bag of Doritos were in front of me, I’d have a few.
C. Mmmmrrph. [Can’t respond because I just stuffed two donuts in my mouth.]
D. Can you repeat the question? I was busy fantasizing about jumping into a gigantic bag of sea salt and vinegar chips.
10. If you were to watch a video on Youtube, which subject matter would be most at your level?
A. I’ve always wanted to know more about the second law of thermodynamics. I’d love to see a clip about that!
B. Helpful home improvement segments, as long as they were short.
C. Cats trying to jump on things but missing.
D. Banana dance.
Give yourself 1 point for every A, 2 points for every B, 3 points for every C, and 4 points for every D. (If you’re too tired to do that math, just give yourself 50 points.)
If your total score was over 30, you are likely suffering from Tired-Think. Tired-Think is a severe condition whose symptoms include extreme coffee consumption, only being able to speak in a shouting voice, and perceiving that you have clairvoyant knowledge that everything will be terrible forever and ever and ever.
If you are suffering from Tired-Think, do not think about your problems. Do not make big decisions. Do not seek justice for perceived wrongs. Do not speak too much. Especially do not speak if your goal is to harangue the other person into admitting that your life is utterly hopeless.
Remember, your life is not that bad. The world is not that bad. Just hang in there, and this will pass. Do everything within your power to hook up a nice, long, uninterrupted nap. I promise that when you wake up, everything will seem much, much better.
. . .