Describe your worst experience taking kids to Mass (in ten words or fewer)

March 18, 2015 | Crazy Days | 95 comments

I’m having musician Marie Miller on my radio show again tomorrow, and we’re looking for lyrics for a little song we’re putting together. That’s where you come in!

kid-mass-disasters

Tell me about your craziest day taking kids to church in ten words or fewer, and Marie and I will turn them into a little song for your amusement. You can leave your answer here on Facebook or in the comments to this post.

The last time she was here we had a ton of fun making a song out of actual texts Joe and I have sent to one another, which you can see here:

 

Thanks!!

95 Comments

  1. sarah

    my oldest, now 11, passes out if he’s hungry. not diabetic or anything. just gets hungry and passes out. on more than one occasion i’ve had to nearly carry him from Mass, all the way down the aisle and scrounge food because i ran out of snacks in my purse and didn’t realize it.

  2. Johanna Lamb

    It was a new church. The newborn pooped, the toddler screamed.

  3. Calee

    Not quite potty trained. Marble floors. Down my dress.

  4. Abigail Benjamin

    3 year old in a Spiderman raincoat runs out of Father Dan’s First Mass onto a busy City Sidewalk.

    Projectile vomit into my hair during the Consecration.

  5. Bridget

    (This isn’t a single experience but I’ve noticed that whatever bad happens) “It’s always during the Consecration”

  6. Louise

    Father finishes homily, baby agrees with loud explosive escaping poop.

    It was a quiet weekday Mass too – everyone heard it, everyone saw.

  7. Abigail Benjamin

    The priest just asked us to leave.

    Closed my eyes to pray. Now the 2 year old isn’t in my pew.

    2 & 3 Year old run in different directions.

    Noisy church shoes on a stone floor.

    Evil eyes from the elderly Eucharistic ministers. Can’t wait to hear what I’m doing wrong at coffee hour.

    Was Jesus really 2 years old once?

    • GiannaT

      Holy cow. A priest asked you to leave?! That’s awful! πŸ™

    • Susan M

      I agree. I with Gianna T. I’m so sorry… that’s horrible. And evil eyes from the Eucharistic ministers? Oy!

  8. Judy Kay

    Toddler in undies. Pee on the seats. Dripping on the feet behind us.

  9. Cristina

    Toddler is on the alter, he’s got the Paschal candle.

  10. Fr. Darryl

    Here’s a haiku from my side of the sanctuary:

    Toddler tries to preach
    And tries to concelebrate:
    I love all of it!

  11. Fr. Darryl

    Here’s another #toddlerhaiku

    The kids at the Mass
    Are very skilled at making
    Parents into saints.

    • Laura

      God bless you Father Darryl!

    • Molly

      Love this!

    • Katie Jo

      Father Darryl,
      I’m going to memorize this haiku! Very skillfully written. Thank you.

  12. Mary

    Toddler nephew wanted to leave mass, he striped. Completely naked.

  13. Carly

    Consecration, chalice raised, toddler shout whispers in awe, “Is that the Piston Cup?!?!”

    • Mitzi

      Bwa, ha, ha!!!

    • Emily D.

      LOVE!

  14. Bre

    Love Father’s haiku idea above!

    At Consecration
    Tot’s loud voice sounds like he needs
    An exorcism

  15. deltaflute

    toddler dives under pew and knocks over wine.

    Fortunately it was unconsecrated, unfortunately it was red wine all over the blue carpet. In my parish, they keep it on a pull out table attached to the back of the last pew until the procession. I expected an angry Father after Mass, but he just shrugged and said accidents happen. Actually I’ve yet to see him get angry. I wonder what would…

  16. Emily

    Fellow parishioner (during homily): “Stay home, your baby is sacrilegious.”

    • Mitzi

      That’s horrible, but it made me laugh out loud. Who ARE these people?!?

  17. Amanda

    Mortified as child screams out “My panties are in my butt”

  18. Val

    Four year old walking around high-fiving hands raised in prayer.

    • Laura M

      Hahaha this is too funny πŸ™‚

  19. Rachael

    A few years ago, my then two-year-old decided not to go back into the pew after Communion. Instead, she took off running toward the back of the church. The four-year-old ran after her to try to catch her. I was 9 months pregnant and waddled futilely after them for a little ways, but it was no use. They had rounded the back pew and were now taking off toward the altar. My father-in-law chased them. They ran up and over the altar and dashed toward the other side of our huge church. Finally someone decided to do something besides just laugh, and they got out of their pew and stopped them. After Mass, I had a few people come up to us and thank us for the entertainment. I was humiliated.

    • Rachael

      Sorry, not 10 words or fewer. Disregard!

      • Mitzi

        Disregard?!? This is awesome!! I love that parishioners were kind after the event. I would also be humiliated, but what a story!

  20. Elizabeth

    Fussy, fussy baby what is wrong with you? Puke! Oh.

  21. Michele

    No, we don’t pull Mommy’s shirt down.

  22. Michele

    The screaming just won’t stop.

  23. Amber

    In the choir loft, foot swinging, away my shoe flies

    This didn’t happen with my daughter, but I saw it all – the horrified expression on the little girl’s face, the father’s look of befuddlement, turned confusion, turned horror, his sprint down the stairs and triumphant return with the shoe, and the now very demure little girl sitting in the pew, hardly daring to move. The only thing I didn’t get to see was where exactly the shoe landed. But given that there weren’t any screams from below, I’m guessing it didn’t hit anyone in the head.

  24. Kristin

    Ash Wednesday. 3 year old. Yelling. “I don’t want ashes. Ashes are bad.”

  25. Kristin

    Consecration. Toddler overturning portable altar. Tackled him – eight months pregnant.

  26. Ashley

    Toddler hits daddy’s “sensitive spot”. Daddy’s forehead hits pewback. During consecration.

  27. Laura

    *Blood-curdling scream*

    *Blood-curdling scream*

    “Do I still get a doughnut?!!?”

  28. Janine

    babys first word that’s not quite “truck”….very loud.

  29. Molly

    Can’t do it in exactly ten, but this is as close as I can get.

    Easter Mass, front center, epic meltdown, quick escape foiled by hand holding during the Lords prayer blocking the exit.

    Ask me again why I don’t like holding hands at church….

    • Molly

      If you ask my mother what her worst experience with me at church was, it would be summed up as:

      “Children’s Service, in front of the whole church: “Hey Matthew, wanna see me spit!?”

  30. Nini

    Bread consecration. Silence. Very loud ‘mamy no bread, want chicken!!’

  31. Betty

    head slammed in mouth by squirming toddler, 4 teeth loosened

  32. Lisa

    Middle of pew, leaky stinky diaper, husband gone with (diaper) bag.

  33. Pamela

    Alter server daughter fainting right after screaming toddler just falls asleep in arms & refuses to be handed off.

  34. Elisa | blissfulE

    He is looking backward but his shirt is facing forward.

  35. Anne

    Priest’s homily compared son’s crying to wailing and gnashing of teeth in Luke

  36. Catie

    During engaging homily New expensive purse decorated with permenant artwork.
    Or
    While racing out of mass during the consecration daughter yells “daddy don’t beat me”

  37. Jess

    Priest blesses us, holding monstrance. Baby vomits. EVERYWHERE.

  38. Mira

    I’m currently pregnant with my first child so I can’t help you with a story, but I’d like to say THANK YOU! to everyone here – you all made me laugh out loud!

    It’s amazing to me how all these experiences individually can make you cry but, somehow, put together – they make you cry with laughter!

    Keep them coming! πŸ™‚

  39. Lesley

    9 months pregnant. Son raced down centre aisle, thumbs in ears, fingers waggling “mum, you can’t catch me, na na na na

  40. Another Mom

    (I’m sorry, Father) She cracked the hymnal holder while trying to scale the pew (during the Consecration).

  41. Mary @ St Henry II

    Priest tells child off. I’m mortified. Child isn’t even mine.

  42. Tacy

    Leaving mass frustrated fifteen times, eating cookies in the back.

  43. Kathleen Basi

    My daughter fell in the full-immersion baptismal font.

  44. GiannaT

    MOMMA MIA, LET ME GO!! Obvious small loud Queen fan.

    • GiannaT

      True story. It was during the silent part of the mass when the choir goes up for Communion. Kid did NOT want to be held, and decided to quote Queen loudly to emphasize the fact. I think he was three…

  45. GG

    “What happened to using the restroom before Mass?” says priest during homily.

    Freezing outside, quiet Mass inside. Trapped in vestibule with middle child. Should I receive?

    My water broke during consecration. (Not really terrible, but awkward!)

    Husband took child outside and her screams still interrupt Easter Mass.

    Fun times!

  46. Krista

    “We’ll wait for you to find the cry room.”

    • Sarah

      Oh my goodness. I’m sorry, but I laughed. I know you didn’t in the moment, and I can’t even imagine how uncomfortable that must have been. I am 8.5 mo pregnant with #8, and my
      Husband is the music director and plays every Mass, so I’m ALWAYS solo with my crew. We only
      Sit in the cry room, and I still have doozies I could share!

  47. Heather Ricco

    Squirmy toddler will not walk in the communion line, but does not want Mommy to hold her and fights her all the way to communion. Closing my eyes to receive was a mistake, when I opened them and looked down, a tiny hand was grabbing for wafers. The poor person administering communion had a deer caught in headlights look. So embarrassing.

  48. Angela

    Not the worst experience, but my youngest was playing with my necklace and managed to pinch my neck. I jumped, scaring her. She was crying loudly, I was crying silently, and then we had to shake hands for the Sign of Peace. I’m pretty sure the people in front of me were scared of us.

  49. liz

    Toddler’s belting out “Frozen” in the middle of the homily. To be fair, it wasn’t a great homily. πŸ˜‰

  50. Tori

    Wrangling the toddler while nursing the baby. Almost flashed the whole congregation.

  51. priest's wife @byzcathwife

    yesterday morning- I couldn’t think of a ‘worse church day ever’ example to add (and my kids are 15, 14, 8 and 5)…and then Wednesday evening it happened. I and my 15 year old had to stay away because I was teaching and she had a class. So- for the service, it was just my 14 year old (helping to cantor) along with the two little ones. Their father was at the altar, of course. An older lady (75) would wrangle the little ones if needed so that the 14 year old could sing. The 5 year old told the lady- I need to go to the bathroom. They left church to tend to that. Girl then said- I feel sick (she hadn’t complained of illness that day). Praise the living God, they sat in the back pew. She then threw up epically all over the poor lady and about three feet of pew….and she is fine today!

  52. Lani

    1. Cheap paper towels make the throw-up on my pants worse.

    2. The urinal was the wrong choice.

    3. A screaming boy’s head hitting the exit door is loud.

  53. GiannaT

    I’m an oldest child from a big family, recently married and pregnant with my first. I haven’t had these experiences as a momma yet, but I’ve had some indirect ones as a big sister. My family left one parish because the priest made comments about the babies making noise during mass. Another time, I remember hearing about a (different) priest making a comment during a homily, “it’s hard to preach with all the competition.” Mom held the baby up and hollered “give it to him Father!”

    The priest apologized to my mom after mass.

  54. Emily

    My brother set the advent wreath on fire.

  55. Doug R.

    “I’m funny, therefore I’m a clown, right mommy?”

  56. Doug R.

    “Son accidentally sets fire to sanctuary carpet while serving Mass at Grandpa’s ordination.”

    OK…that’s really 13.

    • Doug R.

      I’ve shortened it up some:

      “Son accidentally sets fire to sanctuary carpet during Grandpa’s ordination.”

      πŸ˜€

  57. Doug R.

    “Boys alone, misbehaving. Pastor tells them, ‘Let’s talk after Mass.'”

  58. Janet

    Tie for worst:

    1) Projectile vomiting (spaghetti) during First Communion Mass, ~5 feet from the bishop.

    2) Toddler stumbles into full-immersion baptismal font, climbs out and knocks over the Pascal candle (snaps it in half).

  59. Katie Jo

    Nine months pregant; Toddler dumps diaper bag, then takes a flying leap from the pew onto my back; suddenly can’t move.

  60. Daria

    Toddler runs into confessional. Runs out, leaving poop behind.

    • Emily D.

      Clearly had something to confess…. πŸ˜› haha!

  61. Amy

    Good Friday during solemn Gospel of the Passion,

    “Are there doughnuts?”

  62. Amy

    Blood dripping from head wound on toddler who ran into pew in crying room. Diaper bag is in church with the fam, as are coats. Husband takes baby outside in MN winter to get bandaids in car. Misses communion.

  63. Martha

    Toddler performing full monty at full staff. Teenage boys behind alert us with their laughter.

    Or

    Toddler screams ‘HAVE TO GO POOPY!!!!!’ during consecration.

  64. Janice

    All said in whispers-loud-enough-for-the-whole-church-to-hear by the three year old…

    “I need to go poo poo right now, mommy!”

    “Is he an old man, mommy?”

    “Excuse me. My butt just burped.”

  65. Wendy from Zoom

    Toddler yelling during entire Communion line, “I am BE QUIET!”

    Background:
    I was holding the baby and had left the rest of the kids in the pew to take said toddler to the back to get him to, well, be quiet.

    Super silent daily Mass, but I figured, “Hey, at least they know I’m trying here!”

  66. Anna

    Apparently he pays attention at the “Lamb of God” because at the consecration he pointed and said “Sheep! Sheep!”

  67. Seth Peters

    The priest added an intention, “For the parents of that child.” We were mortified.

  68. Lindsay Marie

    Toddler dumps gallons of holy water in bag of church.

  69. Lindsay Marie

    *back

  70. Stephanie

    My 4yo daughter about the man with the shiny head sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, “He’s bald. I mean he is REALLY bald.”

  71. Beth

    As priest finishes communion: “Why HE get ALL the leftovers?!”

  72. jessica

    An amazing testimony on a spell caster who brought
    my husband back to me. My name is victor jessica,
    And I’m happily married to a lovely and caring
    man,with three kids. A very big problem occurred in
    my family 4 months ago,between me and my
    husband. So terrible that he took the case to court for
    a divorce. He said that he never wanted to stay with
    me again,and that he didn’t love me anymore. So he
    packed out of the house to where i do not know about
    and made me and my children passed through severe
    pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back.
    After much begging,but all to no avail / Success. And
    he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he
    never wanted to see me again. So on one afternoon
    when i came back from the house of my best friend
    that know how to advise me very well. As i was
    coming back from her place, I saw an old friend of
    mine who asked of my husband. So i also explained
    every thing to her just the way i did to my best friend
    on what happened between me and my husband. So
    she told me that the only way i can get my husband
    back is to visit a spell caster. Because it has really
    worked for her. As a Christian i never believed in spell
    casting,but during all this problem and letting the
    love of my life go just like that and the father to my
    lovely kids i had no other choice than to follow her
    advice. Then she gave me the email address of the
    spell caster whom she visited to solve her own problem also. At
    this time i was full with so much grief and confusion
    on how this can really be true to the extent that i have
    to ask my friend so many question like if this is not to
    harm or have an effect on my life and that of my
    lovely children after it has been done. But she replied
    with so much seriousness by telling me that there is
    no harm and there is no side effect on the spell
    casting, That is just to get back my husband for my
    kids, and also for him to love me like never before.
    After her explanation that there is noting that will
    happen to us, other than to just get back my husband i
    requested on how i could i contact this great and
    powerful spell caster that she is talking about. She
    gave me his email address to me that i wrote down on a
    jotter and when i got home i emailed the spell caster
    with the following email address:

    ojiefoespiritualtemple@gmail.com

    some few minutes that same day i received a form
    that i will fill and return to him. After that, i was asked
    to get some materials that will be needed to cast this
    spell that if i can not provide them i will send the cost
    which was what i did just to see the outcome of the
    spell casting. And before i send the cost of the
    materials to him he assured me that even that same
    day if he get the charges that my lover husband will
    return back in the next 4 to 5 hours time that same-day,
    after the spell has been casted with the materials, since i
    could not get the materials on my own to send to him
    to do the spell casting. The spell caster assured me
    that i will get my husband back after that process.
    What an amazing statement!! I never believed, So
    surprisingly after the 4 to 5 hours he told me i will get
    my husband back things changed in my life. My
    husband who has not call me for the past four months
    called me on the phone to inform me that he was
    coming back home. So Amazing!! So that was how he
    came back the next day with lots of love and joy,and
    he apologized for his mistake and for the pain he has
    caused me and my children. Then from that day,our
    relationship was now stronger than how it were
    before,by the help of a spell caster. So i will advice you
    all out there to kindly send your contact to :

    ojiefoespiritualtemple@gmail.com

  73. Marian

    Cell phone rings during my son’s baptism. It’s mine.

  74. Colleen

    Daily Mass, 3yo son sees priest pour wine – yells “JUICE!”

  75. Sarah Bartel

    I just want to thank you all for the best laughing-until-crying fit I’ve had in weeks. I love you all, and your precious children, and priests like Fr. Darryl. And I know Jesus is delighted to have all these beautiful children with Him at Mass, bodily emissions, streaking, tantrums, and all. He loves these little guys and gals!

    All I’ve got is the time our toddler said, Very Loud, During the Elevation of the Host (of course), “CAN I HAVE A DOUGHNUT NOW?”

  76. Terese

    New church, loose pants, no undies on toddler. 5 moons.

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