Guess what I found in a box of clothes in the baby’s room yesterday. A $50 bill! No, kidding. It’s not that kind of house. Any guesses what I actually found, about three feet away from the baby’s crib? Yeah. A scorpion.
For new readers or hopelessly optimistic longtime readers, I should clarify that, unfortunately, I am not referring here to the glamrock band who rocked us all like a hurricane with their 1984 album Love at First Sting. As terrible as that would be, I’m talking about the real, pincer- and stinger-having, hiding-in-shoes, getting-wrapped-up-in-sheets-at-night arachnids.
I mentioned here and here that I strongly prefer that my bedroom be a scorpion-free zone. I have been, you might say, “distressed” about seeing scorpions in my bathroom and bedroom. But when I see them in my baby’s room, right by her crib, it’s time to get medieval on some scorpion a**. The exterminators are coming next week, and I want them to be tearing down walls and ripping up foundation and just dumping chemicals everywhere.
Meanwhile, my husband and I have become a sort of scorpion factoid clearing house, with coworkers and friends and blog readers regaling us with their favorite scorpion trivia and offering tales of being stung. Every time I learn something new about these things it gets worse. For example, my husband was telling his assistant that one of the ones we saw wasn’t all that big, which was refreshing. The assistant pointed out that that was most likely a baby, which means they’re hatching in our house.
Also, well-meaning people keep trying to reassure me by telling me things that only serve to horrify me further. One popular tidbit is that scorpion stings are no worse than wasp stings. I AM TERRIFIED OF WASPS, so this information is not helpful. My mom told me that scorpions fluoresce under blacklight, so I should get one to try to find them at night. Umm…does the thought of turning off all the lights in my house and using a blacklight to illuminate a bunch of GLOWING SCORPIONS IN MY HOUSE not sound just a little too mind-bogglingly creepy to think about?! And, as I type this, I am on the phone with my dad who is telling me the story about how my grandfather (who lives a few miles from here) got one wrapped up in his pajamas while he slept. But, my dad assured me, he only got stung a few times and it really wasn’t any worse than a wasp sting. Whew!
On the bright side, I have discovered an incredibly effective way to get your mother to insist on paying for the best pest control service in town to come to the house and give you their Platinum Package. When going out to dinner with your husband and leaving the kids with her, just say this, as I did last night:
“I left clean diapers and jammies in the bathroom for after bath. The baby has already eaten but DB still needs dinner. Hmm…am I forgetting anything? Oh, yeah, be sure to check the baby’s crib for scorpions before you put her in. Thanks! We’ll be back in a couple hours.”
I promise that one day I will resume regular content and stop writing about scorpions. (Although that may require setting up a separate Scorpions in My House blog since I cannot seem to stop talking about it).
UPDATE: I ended up creating a whole category for my scorpion-related woes. You can see all the posts here (scroll down to see them all).
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