I finally talked to the doctor who’s going to do The Insane-O Vein Procedure. Here’s how that went:
Doctor: Tell me a bit about your history with clotting.
Me: [I tell him about my genetic clotting disorder (Factor II, homozygous), how it’s exacerbated by pregnancy, how I had a deep vein thrombosis in 2006, how I’m nine months pregnant, and how I’m currently recovering from bilateral pulmonary embolisms that occurred while I was taking preventative blood thinners.]
Doctor: [Whistles under his breath.]
Me: [Have an ominous feeling about how the rest of this conversation is going to go.]
Doctor: Wow, this is a complicated case.
Me: [Ominous feeling confirmed.] [Though it’s mixed with smug satisfaction that the doctor who is actually doing the procedure is not saying that it’s “no big deal.”]
Doctor: Normally we insert the filter through your leg. However, since you’re pregnant, we’ll want to go in through your neck.
Me: [Falls off chair.]
Doctor: Don’t worry, we won’t need general anesthesia. I’ll make an incision in your neck, insert the catheter and the filter, and take it down to a spot right by your heart — while you’re awake.
Me: [Twitching. Losing consciousness.]
Doctor: We probably can’t get it low enough to protect everything, but at least we’ll be able to cover the lungs and heart. If you throw a clot, worst case scenario is that you experience kidney failure.
Me: [Everything going black now…]
Doctor: Anyway, we’ll just have to see how it goes. I’ve never done this procedure on a pregnant woman before.
Me: [Startled back to consciousness by visceral terror.]
Doctor: We’ll want to be sure to get the filter in a place where the baby won’t put pressure on it, since if that happens the filter could perforate the vein.
Me: [Trying to remember recipe for a strong Cosmopolitan. I know you’re not supposed to drink during pregnancy, but it may be time for the baby to take one for the team.]
And here was I, whining about the ol’ through-the-leg method. I throw my head back in maniacal laughter as I recall those blissful days of innocence, back when I thought I’d merely have to have snakey robot things carrying sharp metal objects threaded up to the vein near my heart through my thigh and not through a hole in MY FREAKING NECK. On the plus side, having a scar on my neck is a big step forward in my only mildly stalkerish obsession with Grace’s blog. (Oh, you say you’re a Camp Patton fan? Do you have a matching scar on your neck? Yeah. I didn’t think so.)
The fun will occur on Wednesday, which will give me three days to recover before the fun continues with early hospital admission on Sunday so that I can be stabbed with needles every couple of hours around the clock (as opposed to the relaxation of being at home, where I only stab myself with needles twice a day). Then Monday the 8th I get stabbed with more needles. Oh, and I think there’s something about some baby coming that day too. I have so resigned myself to this life of robot-tubes and sharp metal objects that I sometimes forget that there’s a purpose to any of it.
I’ve arranged with our priests to get the Anointing of the Sick before all of this begins. I think I’ll refer to the sacrament by its alternate name, Last Rites, since that term has an appropriately ominous and dramatic flair to it.
While I’m busy with all of that, enjoy these great links:
* * * * *
– Check out this neat list of how to say the Paschal greeting (Christ is Risen!/He is Risen Indeed!) in over 70 different languages.
– The must-read story of an amazing family who stayed strong in faith and hope despite unimaginable obstacles.
– I love this tradition of choosing a secret Bible verse for each child, praying it for them all year long, then revealing which verses you prayed for them on Easter.
– Dorian has a funny and touching post about what she has learned from Pope Emeritus Benedict. I especially love the list of how she would react to the media’s coverage of Pope Francis if she were BVXI.
– Insect head transplants WHAT???!!!
– A wonderfully creative way to add another room to a small house by utilizing vertical space.
– I’ll be in the hospital, so you’ll have to pick up my slack in promoting the April 8th Day of Exodus, in which abortion clinic workers who are ready to leave their jobs but need assistance are encouraged to finally make the leap.
– My favorite new-to-me blogger, Matt Walsh, has a short but profound post about Easter. (This is perhaps not the best juxtaposition, but I would remiss if I didn’t note that I discovered Mr. Walsh through his masterpiece post called “Les Miserables taught me how to hate again“, which had me laughing until I cried.)
– A surprisingly moving reflection: Love means never having to say you’re sorry about explosive diarrhea.
* * * * *
See you Friday! I expect to be back in action in time to host 7 Quick Takes, because nothing — not even a scalpel to the neck — comes between me and my meme-hosting duties.
Be the first to hear about comedy tour cities and dates!
Join my email list and I'll send notes a couple of times per month and will never share your email address.